


Doubts of Love

by blume_f



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Misunderstandings, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blume_f/pseuds/blume_f
Summary: Remus has several doubts about his relationship with Sirius after he hears a conversation between his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s ex-lover.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 89





	Doubts of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This story is for a competition organized by @wxlfstarscars on Instagram. The prompt is “Remus thinks Sirius wants to break up with him”. 
> 
> I hope everyone likes it, it’s the first time I write anything in english lol

“I‘m off to Zonko’s. Meet you for a butterbeer later?” 

“Course, love,” Remus smiled as his boyfriend kissed him gently in the cheek letting go of his hand, chasing after James.

It seemed surreal, really, that he had a chance to hold Sirius Black’s hand as they walked through Hogsmeade with a smile plastered on their faces. Every time he woke up by his side he felt the need to pinch himself, just to check whether or not he was dreaming, even if they had been together for over a year now. 

Sirius was perfect for him in the most pleasant and unimaginable way, as it often happened with friends turned to lovers. They knew each other so well it was almost creepy to anyone else, but they were also the typical couple that was so sickeningly cute they made everyone around them envious. 

It had started after Sirius finally decided to come out as gay at the end of fifth year, after the Snape incident. Remus had been intensely crushing on him for over a year at the moment (even if he had been mad at him for nearly making him a killer), so it took all of his will not to push him against a wall to snog him senseless. Obviously, that impressive show of self-control didn’t last long, which ended with a proper make out session in one of the many broom closets during the second semester of sixth year.

A couple days after that incident Sirius told him about the secret relationship he had previously shared with Benjy Fenwick, a Ravenclaw in the year above them. Sirius had gathered so much shame and self-hatred that he decided enough was enough and asked the older boy to be his proper boyfriend, an offer he refused with some mean words. That was what pushed Sirius to come out to his friends.

Remus immediately decided that he didn’t want Sirius to feel that way ever again, so he made the same offer the black haired boy had made to Benjy Fenwick previously, this time with much better results. The next day they were making out all around Hogwarts: the great hall, the room of requirement, other broom closets in the school and many public spaces. Their friends were taken aback, but didn’t comment much on it until two weeks passed, when they showed their support. Remus suspected James was willing to accept them and Peter, as always, wanted to do whatever James did.

A year had passed from that, and they were happier than ever. It was hard for Remus, sometimes, who struggled with a lot of insecurities, but he did his best to show Sirius how much he loved him and how much he actually wanted to be in the relationship.

Now, they were off to Hogsmeade with their two friends, trying to be in the move so they wouldn’t freeze to death. 

“Where do you wanna go, Pete?” Remus asked his friend, watching Sirius and James getting into Zonko’s. 

“Honeydukes?”

Remus and Peter’s favorite Hogsmeade shop had always been Honeydukes, since the former was a chocolate freak and the latter liked any form of candy there could possibly exist. 

“Excellent,” he smiled and placed his hands in his pockets, immediately noticing the sickles Sirius had put in one of them because he didn’t trust himself not to lose them before they even got to Hogsmeade. “Shit, Sirius left his money. I’ll meet you there, ok?”

“Sure, see you,” Peter smiled friendly.

Remus walked as fast as he could, trying to get to the warmth of Zonko’s as quickly as possible. It was, as usual, incredibly full, which would have made finding his boyfriend impossible had Remus been of average or below average height. 

He was talking to someone who wasn’t James. Remus caught his breath as he noticed who it was.

Benjy Fenwick.

He had graduated the year before, and this was Sirius’ favorite shop, so it was obvious he wasn’t there just by coincidence. He very likely went there with the intention of talking to Sirius. 

Remus had really thought that anything there was between them was over. After all, Benjy had rejected Sirius in a cruel manner, and if there were two things Sirius didn’t like, they were rejection and unkindness. 

The tall boy got close enough so he could listen to the conversation but far enough he wouldn’t be seen. Sirius’ back was facing him, which made the previous task easier. Benjy didn’t really pay attention to him, as he hadn’t shown any interest in his lover’s friends and family, so he didn’t recognize him even though he was a few meters away, pointedly staring at them.

He had obviously missed a bit of the chat the ex lovers had shared. Sirius seemed tense; his arms were closed, embracing himself, as if to try to remain calm. Remus tensed up with him. He knew Benjy brought out Sirius’ worst fears and behaviors, and the werewolf didn’t like to see his boyfriend looking so small and uncomfortable instead of being his usual perky and cheeky self.

“Sorry, Benjy” Sirius said. Remus could picture his apologetic smile. 

“Just think about it, please. I’m tired of being in the closet when I can be with you instead,” Benjy smiled as well.

Remus froze right there and then, feeling his heart stop as his mind started to fill with anxiety and questions. 

What was Sirius sorry for? Not being available anymore? Having a boyfriend? 

Was Sirius going to go back to Benjy now that he felt emotionally ready for it? After all, he had been his first choice long before Remus had pushed him against a wall and practically forced him into a relationship. 

Besides, from an objective point of view, Benjy was a better catch than Remus. Firstly, he wasn’t a werewolf, and if that wasn’t reason enough; he was much fitter, smarter, more popular and was steadily on his way to becoming an auror. Remus couldn’t compete with that.

Before he could hear his boyfriend’s response to Benjy’s proposal, he rapidly got out of the store, feeling his breath quicken. He ignored the cold as he approached Hogwarts as fast as he could, forgetting about Peter waiting for him at Honeydukes and his date with Sirius at The Three Broomsticks.

Remus chose to hide in the room of requirement, requesting for somewhere he could be alone and quiet. The chamber had adapted itself into a nice library, quite similar to the one he spent a lot of time in, located in the first floor of the training grounds tower. Lupin didn’t even attempt to grab a book, too busy trying to steady his own breath.

“Fuck it,” he whispered, kicking one of the many tables, regretting it right away. “For fuck’s sake!” 

He was dealing with a lot of anger in that moment, and he had never been good at it. Maybe it was because he was taught to control every single one of his feeling , since his parents feared he’d be treated differently because of his condition and that every sign of emotion he showed would be used against him. Thanks to that, he didn’t know how to handle frustration or other strong emotions in a healthy way, too fearful of becoming the beast everyone considered him to be. 

He determined right then and there that he would hide in that room as long as possible, in the hopes of getting Sirius to forget about breaking up with him. Maybe he would go back to Benjy Fenwick, maybe he wouldn’t; frankly, Remus couldn’t care less. All he cared about was that he was stupid enough to fall into the fantasy that his relationship with the other Gryffindor boy would ever work when he was Sirius Black and he looked like that, behaved like that and simply was like that.

“I don’t need him. I’ll be ok, I’ll be ok,” he continued to whisper as he wrapped his arms around himself, very similarly to how Sirius had done it when he was talking to Benjy Fenwick.

When a few hours passed, Remus finally started to feel better. He no longer hugged himself and his breaths were going back to normal, as he slowly resigned himself to the imminent end of his relationship with Sirius.

He was startled by the sound of the door opening. He turned his head and found Sirius entering the room, looking around him with a knowing smile.

“Of course you’d request a library,” he let out a giggle.

Remus ignored the teasing. “How did you find me?”

“I asked to see you,” he shrugged. “You know how the room of requirement works, love.”

The werewolf looked away, trying not to go back to the panic he felt just a few minutes ago, but it was nearly impossible, knowing Sirius was about to break up with him.

Sirius decided to speak again. “You bailed on Peter and me, you tosser. What happened?”

Remus assessed he was definitely not ready for the conversation to take place, so he got up the chair he had sat on and walked to the door staring at the floor. “I have to go.”

Sirius grabbed him by the arm. “What? No! We need to talk.”

Remus felt panic. We need to talk? That was clearly the most common way to initiate a breakup. He knew it, for he had to be the one to say those words to a girl he had absolutely nothing in common with back in fourth year.

Remus picked his next words carefully. “We don’t have to talk about it. Just... let me go. We can go back to the way we were before... before everything happened. I don’t resent you.” 

“Moony, what the fuck are you talking about? You’re being very cryptic,” Sirius lowered his grip from his forearm to his hand. “Is there anything wrong?”

Remus hesitated before choosing to be done with it at once. “I saw you. With Benjy.”

Since Sirius was holding his hand, he felt him tense up when he mentioned Fenwick’s name. “Oh.”

He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t stand there as Sirius ended things with him. He was seriously stupid to think he could hear the words his nearly ex-boyfriend was about to speak.

“Please don’t say it,” he murmured, feeling his eyes burn and his jaw hurt. He was still looking at the floor.

Black let out a confused laugh. “Say what? I’m genuinely struggling to understand you right now, Moony.”

Remus dared to look him in the eye for the first time, and immediately regretted it. The grey eyes that stared at him were as intense as ever, and he felt week in the knees. 

He couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t do it.

“He’s ready for you now,” his voice broke mid-sentence. “He wants a relationship.”

Understanding filled the black haired boy’s eyes. “You... you think I wanna break up with you?” his voice trembled. “Moony, for fuck’s sake, are you for real? You think I want to break up with you because Benjy fucking Fenwick said he’s ready to give us a real shot?”

He imagined Sirius and Benjy holding hands, snogging during the Hogsmeade trips, being a happy couple who’d settle down for one another. He felt his bile rise.

He really couldn’t do it.

Remus swallowed. “There’s clearly a better option and that’s not me.”

“Yes, because I’m very interested in being closeted again with that bigot after being literally disowned for coming out,” he said sarcastically. “I don’t want to make out in a broom closet! I mean, of course I do, with you, but that’s not all I want! I want the whole package!”

“Sirius, he’s offering you the whole package! He said, verbatim, I’m tired of being in the closet when I can be with you instead,” Remus raised his voice, but tried to take control over his emotions once again. “And you should do it.”

Sirius’ stare hardened and he let go of his boyfriend’s hand, taking a few steps back. “Well Remus, sorry to disappoint you by not accepting your pathetic excuse of a break up, but if you want to end things with me you’re going to have to be clear and direct.”

Remus frowned, both at the mention of his name instead of one of his nicknames and at the words he had just heard. “Break up with you? You’re the one who wants to break up with me!”

“What?!” he rose his voice. “Why the fuck would I want to break up with you?!”

Remus growled, beginning to lose his patience. “Because Benjy fucking Fenwick literally asked you to be his fucking boyfriend, you prick.”

“I don’t want Benjy Fenwick! Been there, done that, and I can assure he’s neither a better shag than you nor a particularly interesting bloke. I have absolutely no feelings for him, zero!” Sirius was also starting to lose his patience.

Remus took a deep breath, trying to remain as calm as possible, despite the hatred he was feeling for his boyfriend’s ex lover. “Sirius, you were shattered when he didn’t want to go public. You were in love with him,” he tried to explain.

“I was never in love with him! I felt lonely and didn’t know any more gay guys, so I thought shagging him for a while would be a good idea. Then, I continued to feel lonely despite my efforts, so I thought having a proper relationship with him would be a better idea- but he rejected me, so I felt humiliated,” Sirius said, in the tone he usually used to make Remus feel better. “I was never heartbroken, just really really humiliated. You know how much I hate rejection.”

Remus sighed. “Sirius, he’s Benjy Fenwick. He’s... gorgeous, and smart, and he’s in love with you.”

“First of all, I seriously doubt he’s in love with me. He just feels as lonely as I once did, and he’s also trying to get used to how fucking gay he is,” he tried to crack a joke in vain. “Second of all, you are literally all of the things you just said. You’re the most beautiful guy I’ve ever met, inside and out; also, you’re intelligent as fuck; and you really do love me if you put up with my shit all the time.” Sirius got closer and grabbed Remus’ face in his hands. “You know what the difference is? I’m in love with you. I want you. I want to make out in a broom closet with you and I want to hold your hand in public. Not Benjy Fenwick, not David Bowie, you.”

Remus was becoming upset. “Benjy is clearly the most sensible choice! He comes from a good family, he’s starting a promising career as an auror,” he paused. “He doesn’t transform into a monster who can potentially kill you once a month.” 

“Sensible choice?! Fuck that! He treated me like shit all the time!” Sirius suddenly screamed, letting go off the werewolf’s face and walking a few steps back once again. “Look, Remus, at first I though this whole tortured act was cute and shit, but I’m getting really sick of you questioning how much I love you.”

“I don’t question how much you love me!”

“You do! You feel so uncomfortable in your own skin you don’t let me love you properly! You’re so convinced you don’t deserve me because of your furry little problem you end up pushing me away! When I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you!” Sirius was now certainly screaming.

Remus’ eyes widened in shock. “What? Sirius, you’re perfect! What the fuck do you mean by not deserving me?”

Suddenly, the shorter boy turned around, walking a few steps towards the door and stopping abruptly. He turned around once again and walked the steps back, tears gathering in his beautiful grey eyes.

“Moony, I carry too much baggage,” he spoke softly. “I have really bad trust issues and such a messed up family that I get jealous of a guy blinking at your direction. I’m lucky you even consider me an option!” he said, desperate.

Remus let out a laugh in disbelief. “That’s not true! I’m the one who’s lucky any of you guys give me the time of the day, and I can’t believe you want to date me,” he whispered, placing his hands over Sirius’, which were once again back in his face. 

“That’s exactly how I feel, Moony, so please stop thinking I want anything to do with Benjy Fenwick,” he smiled softly. “I love you, and nothing in my life can compare to it. I don’t think nothing ever will,” he placed his forehead in his, closing his eyes. “Please, Moony, believe me.”

Remus felt butterflies gather in his stomach and, for the first time since Sirius walked into the room, he felt at ease. “I do. I believe you,” he whispered, running his hands in the soft black locks. “And I love you even more, you really have no idea.”

“I seriously doubt that,” Sirius made the pun and straight after captured his boyfriend’s lips in his own, giving him a soft kiss that lasted an eternity.

They both needed to work in their confidence, Remus knew that, but he also knew now that he had the best boyfriend in the world, who would help him to overcome all his insecurities regarding their relationship and his self-image, and in return he would do the same for him.


End file.
